WHO GUIDES YOU THROUGH LIFE? #creatingachange with soulfood <3
Jennifer Lalk
GOOD MORNING SUPERHERO <3
"Face up to the sky, always dream high, set your goals crystal clear so that they won´t disappear through the hustle of the daily life, until we make it, right?"
To be honest, I am super nervous today, because it is my first shooting in a real movie studio here in Germany ever! I will meet the rock band, some producers, film makers, directors, the management and so on. I want to give 110%, because for me, today is such a huge chance. No one ever believed in me here since I told my parents at the age of 12 for the first time in my life, that I wanna become a model and an actress. I told you already that the people in my village are VERY small minded, and I mean I am okay with it. Be like that, but don´t always talk negative to and about the people who are not like that, you know? I never went to an acting school, but I started to dance ballet at the age of 5. I did it for 11 years, we performed on stade in the theatre. It was the same with the circus and in school I always was a part of the theatre group and the chorus. I played the sax for four years and I was a singer (not a very good one to be honest, but I guess it was okay). I just LOVE TO PERFORM. I wanna be on stage even though in private, I am like the most introvert person, but Idk, as soon as I get the chance to be on stage, to shoot or what ever, I turn into a different person and my extrovert side is coming out. I feel like being absolutely in the moment during this times and I love it so bad! I turn into the model or the character and nothing else seems to matter. Performing is another world for me, where I can get totally lost within myself. I just hope so much that I will be able today to show them what I am capable of. If I do a good job it could, possibly create really interesting career options :O In my head I was already thinking about, if I impress the moviemaker and the director, who is also writing scripts and he won a price for his last short movie......he could have me in mind as the actress for another script, you know? GOSH I AM NERVOUS ! I know that it makes no sense to think about all the if´s BUT I mean common we are all just humans and it is normal to be a bit extra excited or?
Also, this would be the chance for me to at least move out of my hometown. The last couple of months, since I moved back from the states were extremely hard. Atm, I am living at my moms house. We are 7 people in total with 2 cats. To be honest with you, I don´t have a good relationship with my mom. Idk, seriously, if you can even call it "relationship". I know it sounds super hard and trust me, I tried everything the last years, but since she married her boyfriend, now husband or my step father, WITHOUT telling me, even though we were living door to door and I was just 21, I kinda gave it up. We can´t choose the family we were born into, but we can decided to be happy and here I am not happy at all. I don´t wanna get to deep into that topic, because it would take me days to explain it, but I just can´t wait until I am finally able to leave forever. And seriously what makes me super sad is, that she tries everything to keep me small. She does not say a single positive word in relation to my dreams, goals or even the hard work I am putting into realizing it all over the last years. She is no support, more the absolute opposite. She screams at me every single day, saying I think I am something better just because I work out, eat healthy and educate myself. She always tries to get me down to her level. I don´t complain, but as you can imagine it is super hard to get away from that, to not feel guilty of having these thoughts if it is just the truth. What I wanna say is: build up that inner strength, choose the comments you are letting into your mind. You don´t have to listen to negative, mean words even though if they are coming from the people who should usually be your biggest supporters, like for example your parents. I respect my mom and I will be forever thankful that she gave me my life, but it is still okay, to find your happiness somewhere else, if it is just not possible within some parts of the family. Some periods in our lives can be very dark, hard and though. Especially then, we should be our own guides while trusting god and the universe that they will guide us right, if we keep following our inner voices.
I am praying so much and I trust god and the universe that he will be with me. And then today, I will breathe in and out, take another DEEP BREATH to make sure I am calm and ready on the inside and then I WILL SMASH IT !! The only thing I learned from being constantly told to never make it from my own mom is, that I built up that inner strength and believe in myself TO MAKE IT! I never gave up that hard work, even though she was able to feed my insecurities for so many years, because of corse she knows with what she can hurt me the most! It sounds like a nightmare, but this is my real life. I am sorry for this, but I kinda needed to once tell it someone. I usually fight with all this on my own, but I just can´t do it anylonger, because it stresses me and steals my focus for so many hours during the day. I want my own life. I want to achieve my goals. I am ready to work even harder every single day, if this means that I will be finally financial so independent that I can make a living out of my passions! I could just cry thinking about how much I wanna perform, be seen, heard and ABLE TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE!
Please wish me luck guys!! I wish you the best start into this new week ever and promise me to never ever give up. Ignore negativity, don´t use shitty circumstances as an excuse to not work hard towards your goals and the life you wanna live! Don´t let other people´s vision of yourself, their small mindsets or own dissatisfactions stop you! I know we will all make it. Let´s make ourselves more than proud this week!
I LOVE YOU.
Jen <3
